My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
