love makes seman taste better
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
