I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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