Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
