also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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