I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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