Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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