Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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