It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
