Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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