I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
