Soap is not a condiment
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
