I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Randomize
