I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
