the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
