i love accidental penises.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize