I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
