So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
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