Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
