How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
