I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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