the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
