i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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