$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
