apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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