She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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