theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
