just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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