I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
