i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
