Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
tequila makes me forget i have legs
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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