I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
