new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
