you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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