His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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