I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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