Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Randomize
