My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
You need a sexual gate keeper
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Randomize
