I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
