He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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