Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Randomize
