I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Randomize
