I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
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