my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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