she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
