alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
then he tried to convert me to islam
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
