i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
