Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Vodka?
Forever.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
