She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
