I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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